There are times when saying something harsh, something strong, something unwelcome, is an expression of goodwill [mettā].

"There are times when your practicing and saying the right thing may hurt somebody else’s feelings, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re harming them.

There was a book I was reading recently where the author was saying, “Well, even the Buddha spoke in harmful ways.” But what the author meant by that was that the Buddha would sometimes hurt people’s feelings by challenging them on their wrong views or saying things they didn’t like. Well, that’s not harm. There are times when saying something harsh, something strong, something unwelcome, is an expression of goodwill. Goodwill’s not just tenderness or gentleness.

The example the Buddha gives is of a child who’s gotten something sharp into its mouth. You have to pull the object out, even if it means drawing a little blood from the mouth. Much better than letting the child swallow the object and have it tear up its insides.

This doesn’t mean that we’re weak, and mettā doesn’t necessarily mean lovingkindness or tenderness. There are times when you have to be sharp with people as an expression of goodwill. But if they can sense that it’s coming from your goodwill, then you’re fine.

There are times when pleasing words are actually not skillful, where gentleness is not skillful. You may not know the story by Flannery O’Connor, “A Good Man is Hard to Find.” This crazy guy has kidnapped a bunch of people and is holding them for ransom. He sits there and he’s talking — and he’s had a miserable life — and this one old woman who listens to him and starts developing tender, motherly feelings for him, realizing what a damaged childhood he’d had. And so at one point she reaches out to him, and he immediately shoots her dead, saying that you can’t trust anybody. So there are times when tenderness may not be the best expression of your goodwill.

But remember that goodwill is the desire not to harm anybody. If you can get other people to act in skillful ways, so much the better. But if you can’t, you have to guarantee that your own skillful actions aren’t going to be affected by other people’s crazy, strange, bad behavior. After all, your actions are yours. No one else can give you bad karma. You’re the only one who can give yourself bad karma. And you do that through a lack of goodwill, a lack of discernment.

So goodwill’s something you have to keep in mind all the time. And as for the battles you fight in the world, choose them well. Choose your battles well. But always fight using goodwill. Remember that it is a strength."

~ Thanissaro Bhikkhu "Goodwill as a Strength"

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